Three dried months

I am passing through the nightmare I've been thinking about for a few years... just the time I meet him and started being more like a woman. I am finishing my career, back from a term in the USA and getting ready for graduation, getting a job... moving with him to some nice place and start a brand new life.

All of a sudden, this project is in danger.

I know this could have been even worst. It could have happened to me when I was abroad and everyone around me would be crazy wondering if I got it there or before... and who with... It is hard to say and even more to admit it, but yes. This shitty, not so woman may be carrying a "being" inside.

Its been aweful to be here alone, noticing how the months are passing by and this rainny blood does not come as usual. I stopped my anti-babies treatment in March as I had no money to continue buying the injection, and cause I would not see my bf for a long long while. Usually, the rain starts again after two months, or a month and a half, after interrupting the treatment. It's been three months now and aparently it just doesn't wanna come back.

As you may imagine, I am getting mad with this. Paranoia has tanking the throne of my mind and all I see around me are babies, movies about pregnancy, abortion, tv commercials about pregnancy tests and shit. There is something very sick going around. Besides, I've started getting too selfaware of my body. Everyday I check my belly in the mirror. As I see it, it doesn't look exactly like summer, nor like a pregnant person. I do notice I have got some more weight but with my clothes on nothing seems to change. I am still in the moment I can hide it from the public (my classmates, teachers, my mom and siblings. my bf).

About a month ago, I commented this issue to me, and that I was somehow worried about it. He always tries to underestimate it, calling to take it easy, as we didn't have lots of fun on summer. I mean... why now? then he just changed the topic, we talked about some random thing and end of the conversation. Now I wonder if it is the right time to recall it, like, "you know... it's been three months and no blood down there. we better think about it", trying to say it in a cassual mood, but terrified inside. How would it react now? that's the thing.

We both are in our last year of university. We both have plans and we need to continue this shitty year regularly. This is the last and most important step from this long journey and the one that will provide chances to both of us to get some great jobs and prosperity. We just can't fuck it all now. We can't.

I do wish this shitty blood comes this week... if not, I will have to say something. This is killing me dude... I can't see myself being mom now